how do I say goodbye?

Hiya everyone! As you all may know I am back in the United States after my 4ish months away in New Zealand to study abroad. Let me tell you it indeed was one of the best four months of my life. It was so transformative and I will write on that soon when I sit and process it more.

(Side note: hopefully I can figure out the email alerts soon too ha)

But I just wanted to write today about my saying goodbye to a place I grew to love so deeply. In my last week and a half in Aotearoa, we had an integration week w/ a de-brief few days. Those weeks flew by and feel like they were forever ago for some reason. In those weeks I kept asking myself over and over again, “How am I going to say goodbye”?

I was ready to take a break from classes that’s for sure but I wasn’t ready to part with my new Whenua (family). I felt that I learned so much about God, myself, and creation in my time. Schedules and dynamics were just so normal at that point. It felt weird that I was going to return to a place that was familiar but with a new view. I grew so close to my classmates and staff in a short time that it felt heartbreaking to leave them.

My friend Kate made the observation once while we were doing the most mundane thing like driving in a van that this was the new normal. Months before arriving in NZ it would be odd to be where we were at in that moment.

The timeframe is so tricky for my mind. It felt like four months but also went as quickly as a day. Time was long when we were driving from Christchurch to Kaikōura but time went extremely fast when were on Whale Watch looking at Sperm Whales.

No matter how I consciously put time on a spectrum, It was beautiful no matter what. All factors from the variable oystercatchers (my favorites I miss them SO MUCH) to the people in Sky Hi with me made my time beautiful. That beauty, goofiness, seriousness, uncomfortableness, etc. were all attributes of the people I met. That’s why it was so hard to leave.

Now I am not sure any of this blog post makes sense but I want to perfectly encapsulate my sadness in saying goodbye. Maybe not just saying goodbye to the people and place but to the moment I was in. A moment of my quick life when I drank heaps of tea and sat around with complete strangers to talk about God. It’s weird when I think about it, I went from total fear to a total feeling of loss in a way.

I’ve never cried in an airport or really anytime saying goodbye to people but this time I did. I walked through three different airport securities or customs with tears running down my face. It was weird to lose something like this and I can’t quite explain it.

I am not sure how I say goodbye.

I am not sure how I made peace with leaving New Zealand.

I am not sure how I walked through the airport knowing I could possibly not see these people again.

Now it sounds extreme to be upset over something like this but I was. Laura gave me a hug and said “It’s going to be okay, we will meet again”. I believed her but I felt sadness. Kate said, “We are just saying goodbye for now”. I believed her too but it felt wrong that I would wake up the next morning without her talking about if there was coffee in the press.

When I expressed my concern about not knowing how to say goodbye or not wanting to say goodbye Kate showed me the song “Nobody Knows” by the Lumineers. It seemed to encapsulate what I was feeling.

I didn’t know how to say goodbye.

I’m still convinced I will wake up one morning and walk outside to see Mt. Fyffee to the North and hear the red-billed gulls screeching. But I won’t. At least not for now and that’s okay. I am so grateful for that time and how much it felt like normal.