week 3 - emotional processing/things I’ve learned
Kia Ora everyone!
It has been a while since my last post, so I defiently have lots to update you all on. This post will be more of my emotional processing on things I have learned here as well as simply ways I have seen God. I will do another post of things I have done, and classes I have taken plus talk about yet another weekend away from Kaikoura!
My favorite thing about this blog post is that I can share honest emotions and processing to you all well because if you want to read them you will and if you don’t then well, I won’t know haha! But I believe talking about moments like this in our lives and experiences truly makes us human to one another. I have felt so much honesty here that I haven’t experienced a ton of besides some at college. I talked about in one of my previous blog posts that I have struggled with expectations that people have or that I have for myself. These aren’t all bad expectations but the way I handle them may not be helpful to my life. The way I understand these expectations and help myself process them is usually through readings and music (obviously time with God too). I am not the best at using words to explain things, but I can always find songs or book lines that will express them.
Recently I was on the beach at Abel Tasman national park on a weekend away walking on the sand beach with my new friends. We were just going for a swim after hiking 6ish miles and figured out there were caves to be explored. So, some people went ahead, and I followed behind ready for this next little adventure. And in a moment, I looked back at the sun, the boats in the harbor, the hikers sitting on the beach then I looked ahead at my friends walking towards the cave, waves crashing, and green trees lined up. In those few seconds I repeated a song lyric that I remembered “I feel my heart for the first time”. This song lyric comes from the artist Hollow Coves and their song Coastline. I felt like I was living out this song in this time. It was more than a feeling for me though, it felt like a sense. It is an unusual feeling of belonging and feeling like this is what I am meant to do. The thing is that it wasn’t for a class or occupation, but it was living in the moment with my friends. Being in New Zealand has allowed me to open my heart to learn and see new things. I feel a heart for all the new issues I’ve learned about in class or from my community.
I feel my heart break for what breaks the Lords. I see a beauty in small moments of living in a old hostel with 9 people. I feel love the way Jesus brought love. This isn’t to say I didn’t see these things in America, but it always seemed tainted with something else.
It is very hard to explain the way this place has opened the eyes of my heart, but I have realized that expectations are held maybe differently here. Everyone has their own way of life, but they all rely on one another.
There are just so many areas of life where I feel my heart expanding to and so many people, I am meeting who have gone through these things. People who have personally experienced racism, natural disasters like earthquakes, emotional abuse, low income, drug addiction, etc. and you really start to change your views on these topics after meeting these people. One thing I’ve learned that I will carry on with me for the rest of my life is that all people come from different walks of life. We recently watched the film “I Daniel Blake” which is about a man who can’t work due to medical reasons and cannot get the help he needs financially. I encourage literally everyone to watch this film especially if you are unfamiliar with personal financial struggles. After finishing the film, I felt a rock in my stomach, I felt such extreme guilt that I have never felt before. I had more extreme emotions along with guilt like sadness, astonishment, and a tad bit of anger. I won’t spoil the film, but I got upset with the way I am living and how much I have not helped people like Daniel Blake.
The best part of watching a film like this and reading stories of new people is that you get a sense of what it is like to walk through these hard times, but you still do not get it. In this moment of life, I never and I mean never knew what it is like to be homeless or be worried about not being able to work. For that I am extremely grateful but not personally experiencing these big life shocks means I cannot judge those that have. I will never be able to fully grasp or even fathom what certain people have gone through. So when you see someone struggling think “have I gone through what they are going through”? If your answer is no, then stop talking and get to know them. Walk alongside them and stop the snap judgements or corrections for their life. If your answer is yes, help them and give them advice. An example for me for shutting up is those who have had an abortion. I have views that I have prayed about and found Biblical evidence for, but I can’t shame those who have gone through this process because I myself haven’t experienced this. I will NEVER understand the weight of an act like this. So, walking alongside of these people is my best way of helping them. In this way I can reflect who Jesus is, he made friends with people who society said were outcasts. An example for me for answering yes is that if I meet someone who had struggled with dating relationships. I’ve been through that, and I can walk alongside of them and relate to them. I guess in both instances judgement is eliminated and love is added in instead.
The thing I’ve learned along this topic is that in life everyone has been through different things. You never know what lies between the ears of the person you meet. You won’t know until you walk a mile in another man’s shoes (Another song “Another Man’s Shoes” by Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors).
I heard a beautiful saying the other day actually from Pinterest while I was back in the states that has challenged my thinking and everyday interactions. Trust me it has been hard especially with certain people who I have conflict with. It goes – And read this many times over
“You have never looked into the eyes of someone that Jesus does not love, always be kind”
All people deserve respect. All people deserve to be helped. All people deserve Christ’s love. If if you disagree with them or cannot stand them, God still loves them. Love as Jesus loved – radically, recklessly, continually.
This is such a challenge to me mainly. I am not perfect at it at all, but it is a beautiful way to see people and to worship our creator.
I have learned so many amazing things that I will continue to share but this has been on my heart recently. If you made it this far in my long blog ha, I encourage you to open your heart to more. Try to resist being single minded but see both or all sides to a conflict. I know it has challenged me.
Okay more to come soon on some not so serious stuff ha! Thank you again for reading and if you have any concerns or comments, I would love to hear them and understand. Email me at april.vantol@gmail.com !! I am no expert in many areas of life and would love to hear more opinions or stories.
With love,
April
(again ignore my grammar errors throughout my blog posts haha)